Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Just came back from toa Payoh zone meeting and I feel lots of mixed feelings, but I must let my negative feelings turn to motivation for human revolution!
Realized that I've been drifting a lot from 4 division in gakkai, while I spent most of my Soka time in Sd. It's so different as compared to when I was in d5, when there were forever meetings and home visits to go to. Maybe that's why this holiday I suddenly feel so so chill and have like nothing to do, got so much time to myself that I'm not used to it.
When shirl went up to share her testimonial for her fight against cancer, I suddenly had tears welled up in me. Because I realized that I've been so selfish and not caring enough about others as what Buddhism always teaches especially when I'm a leader. I've forgotten about shirl and her situation after a while when people stop mentioning about her. And I didn't even send an SMS to her to encourage her or anything. I'm so angry at myself for being such a person! Cos I think when you truly care about someone, the person will not be forgotten. You don't have to think of him or her every single moment, but it's the thought that comes in when you do or think of certain stuff and be reminded of the person every now and then. and not totally forget someone.
Anyway while I've been transferred to d4, I think I've been dropping in faith cos d5 is really damn power! Although d4 has damn strong Wd too! It's not supposed to be that way, cos they transferred me to help d4, and it's also a chance for me to challenge and be a better leader since I cannot be reliant on huiping anymore.
Boon Hwee always tell me how the chapter leaders see a lot of potential in me, but I always wonder where that potential is and I don't see it myself. He told me that I'm lucky to be able to be a leader and contribute and learn at a young age, when others like him haven't even started practicing seriously at my age. Maybe that's an advantage for me in the sense that I have the fortune to learn about Buddhism from a young age. But like what Chee kiong shared, something is wrong when people keep saying you have the potential. Its not a good thing because the potential always remain a potential, and has yet to be unlocked to become your actual strength. Time after time I'm passively waiting for that chance to unlock the potential, but like what I learnt from the gm today, one can't rely on others to chant for you, you have to ultimately depend on yourself and your own daimoku. So same thing, it's not about the external cause that will change you, change has to come from within yourself.
Have to include gakkai publications on my holiday reading list, it can't always be just fiction and hard truth. I need to do my human revolution to get rid of that fundamental darkness that I grew more consciously aware of. I must have the capacity to truly care for many people at the same time and work for the happiness of others.
Must be able to do so to be a good leader, then I can move on and fulfill this little dream and promise to become a fd ic to repay my gratitude to fd! Nearly forgot about that until I met huiqing today and she reminded me of it.
Then as I grow up especially after entering uni, I noticed there's a change in me, and today I finally realized that I've turned more inwards and starting to feel the solitude that everyone ultimately has to face. The movie one day mentioned that 'I'm alone, but I'm not lonely.' I really hope someday I will be able to achieve that kind of lifestate.
As I grow up I experience more things, and it becomes clearer that everyone is different inherently, due to the different interests that each of us have and the different family upbringings that we go through. It is not possible to find someone who will understand every single of your feeling, that would be quite creepy and there’s no need for communication already. Instead I probably should admit and recognize the fact that we are all different and we need to build up a strong self; good friends whom can share your joy and sorrow are sort of a bonus, but you cant die without them cos ultimately we are all independent individuals. Sounds quite sad and pessimistic to me, but I guess that's just the cold hard truth...><
Going genting together with zhixin's family is really an interesting travelling experience. Besides the fun that I have with them, they taught me a lot. I saw how their family interacted, and I start to better see how the characters of the 3 siblings are being shaped. Family has such an important influence on every individual. And the fact even more brought out the solitude because everyone is being brought up uniquely by our parents, and so we will not have the same views on things, or how we behave.
Can I fly over the rainbow like the bluebirds?
12/14/2011 10:37:00 PM
