Wednesday, May 30, 2012
It’s day 10 already, and I can start
feeling that the days are passing faster and faster because everything is
becoming routine now. Waking up in the morning, brushing my teeth, having
breakfast, go to work (although work is different everyday), dinner, talking to
people, bathing, nuaing around before going to sleep. And that’s good because
it means that I’m getting settled into a new environment which I would be in
for another 5 weeks, and I would stop missing home so much.
My learning curve is not as steep now, but
I still learn a lot from the conversations I have with people around me, though
most of the time I’m asking questions rather than talking. Today, Annouk and I
cooked dinner, and I realized how bad I am at cooking. We cooked rice, and rice
should be something we Chinese know best, but I only knew how to cook rice with
a rice cooker so when we boiled rice in a pot, I didn’t realize that more water
was needed. Basically I was so inexperienced in the kitchen it was embarrassing,
I decided that I should start learning to cook in Uganda! And there was Alfred
who’s always so happy to be able to teach others what he love doing the most.
He taught me how to cooked spaghetti!
Cooking with people from different cultures
is interesting too because it’s so different and there’s a lot of things that
you think is normal but not so normal to someone else. Annouk wanted to cook
with tomatoes, green pepper, eggplant which happened to be vegetables that I
didn’t like. I mostly eat leafy vegetables, but she thinks it’s weird to cook
it with rice. And she bought curry powder to cook the vegetables, which was
really interesting because in Singapore, curry powder is usually used to make
curry. She added lots of oil too I was damn shocked haha I thought water should
be added instead of oil! But everything turned out well and colourful, besides
the fact that it’s so oily. Even the tomatoes were bearable enough. Maybe I
will learn how to eat tomatoes after my time here in Africa since it’s
everywhere.
Alfred cooked spaghetti with curry powder
too which I was really quite shocked. Apparently they use quite a bit of curry
powder here to add flavour to food. But it tasted like those instant noodles
with spicy flavouring added. And he cooked potatoes in water and added curry
powder in the water. So it turned out to be potatoes soaked in curry gravy, but
the curry gravy is so diluted because there’s too much water. I still miss the
thick curry back in Singapore.
It’s funny how I’m going to learn cooking
while I’m here, because I thought I will never touch the kitchen here. It’s not
just due to the fact that I can’t cook, but the kitchen really looked gross and
dirty. Dirty plates are left around and flies are hovering above them. It’s
really not so hygienic. But then after seeing how food is prepared in the
streets here, I just have to get used to the way food is handled unhygienic.
They don’t wash the raw ingredients before they cook, and the plates they use
are not very clean. I know my parents always tell me not to eat street food
when I’m overseas, but since I’m going to be here 6 weeks I don’t think I have
much of a choice than to adapt to it.
After talking to Tess from Australia and
Annouk from Holland, I found out that they move out to live by themselves when
they were about 17. They stayed in a house near to their university. So for
them, they’ve always led an independent life and away from their family. So it’s
slightly easier for them here in terms of not being so homesick.
I’ve heard enough about the Western culture
and how they are more open, but all these information are told by second hand
sources. So when I get to know these people and hear from them personally these
‘stereotypes’ of Westerners, I still get pretty surprised for some reason which
I don’t know. Annouk has a boyfriend for 2.5 years and they are pretty stable,
and I asked her if she will consider marriage. But to her, marriage is only a
formality and there’s not much difference whether she’s married or not even
when she’s together with her boyfriend.
I always think that travelling is not easy
because there’s a lot of decisions that need to be made, so it’s very easy to
have friction when there are differences in opinions. And now I’m staying in a
house together with people from different countries, and it’s difficult and
easy at the same time to be happy together with them. As long as you remain
open, it’s actually quite easy.
Annouk said something quite thought
provoking just now. She thought that she would never like a black guy because
they all seem to be the same, just like how Asians are all the same to her. But
after talking and getting to interact with so many black guys here, she start
to realize that everyone of them is actually different and should not be
stereotyped as one category of black guys. Which is really so true and
meaningful. That’s how the way it should be, everyone should be respected for
the way he or she is and not the category that he is in. We must really open
our hearts to understand each individual better, and that’s true respect.
I’ve always don’t like the drivers of the
motorbikes here (they are a mode of transporation here anyway) because they are
always so se4 and calling out to you and making me feel uncomfortable. But that
day, I met a really nice guy whom I really respected. He asked about me and
Singapore, so I asked him about his life too since he’s really friendly. He
said he worked everyday from 6am to 9pm and even asked me if that’s considered
long hours. He said there’s nothing much he can do so he might as well go out
and work and drive people around. But at night, he will go out with his friends
sometimes because this will make him happy and being happy is important. So I
asked, are you happy with your job? He answered yes, because he can decide his
own working hours, and is not subjected to someone else’s pressure or power.
Even without having much power, he can still make his own living. Also, he
likes to meet new people and he’s happy when he meet really nice people
sometimes. He said something which left a really deep impact on me: “When I was
a child, the westerners always call the Blacks monkeys. So I love and care for
everyone to show them that we are human beings.” Such a simple statement but it
shows a lot about this guy. I asked him if he has a religion, and he said he’s
a Christian. It’s really nice knowing that different religions generally still
have the same values. In Buddhism terms, we care for one another because we
acknowledge and respect that everyone has the Buddhahood potential in them. I
just don’t understand why some people have a religion and believe strongly in
it, yet still don’t behave well. Is that because they don’t fully understand
and practice what their religion teaches them.
There’s Mussa who’s a really nice guy and
friends with us interns. He’s a loyal and good friend who really goes all the
way out to care for his friends. And Alfred who is nice but have problems and
challenges that are obstructing his way to fulfil his dream. All of them are
just the same as my Singaporean friends if you throw their physical appearance
aside.
But I really don’t like the local guys
generally. I don’t think they respect women, and are treating them just to fulfil
their desires. The guys are really touchy, sometimes I will walk on the street
and suddenly a guy will just grab my arm just for that second when he walk pass
me. Although arms are not like sensitive body parts, but still it’s touching
someone’s body without permission and for no reason! And the culture here is
that everytime we meet and greet someone, we will shake hands. I hate it when
the handshakes here are longer than necessarily, so their hands will stay in
yours and I have to pull it away myself. All these are part of the culture, but
sigh not everything can be accepted and compromised if you’re not feeling
comfortable about it. That’s the tricky part, where you must still know your
limits even when being open.
Anyway there's more adapting I need to do now again. Because all my current roomates are leaving this week, and there will be new people coming in. A mexican guy just came this morning and he will be working for MYDEL together with me too! Apparently there's 4 more people I think, that's really a lot... So the adapting process has to start all over again, with every new person I meet. But well at least I will be meeting fellow Singaporeans whom I still talk most comfortably with every weekends when we travel. Going murchinson falls this weekend and I'm really excited!!:D
Can I fly over the rainbow like the bluebirds?
5/30/2012 07:02:00 PM
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
From my fourth day in uganda:
I’m quite tired today
but I really want to type all this out and blog someday once I have the
connection to do so. It’s my fourth day here, and I’m really happy with the
progress I’ve made spiritually/emotionally. Although it’s only four days, I
felt like I’ve been here forever, haha now I know what eliza meant! Sitting on
the matuka, which is a mini-van that works like a car-pooled taxi, I feel like
it has always been part of my life.
Uganda is really
different in the sense that their pace of living is really slow. It’s ok to be
late for work and there’s always a one hour time allowance in African time.
It’s so slow I really couldn’t get use to it at first, especially when I’m
someone who would rather be busy than slacking. Bernice told me that she’s enjoying
it though and it suits her! I always worry and will ask Abi what time do we
have to reach here and there, then she will tell me to relax! I think because
they don’t really have a fixed time for many things, so by trying to set a
fixed time I’m being paranoid. I was afraid that I will end up underestimating
time., so I was actually quite stressed about the slow pace of living
here..><
So on my 3rd
day, which was the day I was supposed to start work, I woke up naturally (which
was such a luxury in Singapore, even during holidays because there’s always so
much things to do with so little time), hang around the living room and reading
the guide with the ntu interns, then heading down to shoprite to change money
and get food. We went out at 9+ and came back around 1+. Since they have no
strict time to follow, I thought that I would take a short nap first before heading over to LC house, which Abi didn’t give me a time that
I needed to reach. Turned out that just when I was about to fall asleep,
Innocence came to bring me to the LC house. He carried my 20.8kg luggage for
quite a distance, and even put on his head because he said that’s what Africans
do to lighten their weight. (I wonder why only Africans do that if it really
makes the load feels lighter…) And he told me that I will just start work the
next day, and so tada, their slow pace of living earned me one extra day before
I start work.
So since I had nothing
much to do when my room was locked before the rest came back, I decided to go
to the internet café to get some internet! Innocence brought me there, and I
was quite worried because he made so many turns here and there and I was so
worried if I could remember and get back to the LC house myself. There were
many of such streets, or rather soil paths, and they are filled with simple
houses and shops along the 2 sides of the streets. They all looked about the
same, and there obviously wasn’t any street names or block numbers that I could
remember. Plus the ground is really quite uneven, most of the time my eyes are
looking on the ground to make sure that I don’t fall into a pithole, instead of
looking at the surroundings. The houses are really not hosues, but really small
areas with a roof. Photos would be clearer on how it is like because I don’t
know how to describe them. Maybe I’ll observe and think more to put these
sights into words.
Having Internet was
definitely good, but I think I went at a wrong timing when my family and many
of my friends weren’t at home online yet. I realized I’m so reliant on technology
because it’s only 3 days ever since I last access Internet. But then again, I’m
actually more reliant on the emotional support from my family and friends back
home, and the only way I could do that was to connect to the internet! My first
few days here made me realized that I am emotionally very dependent, and I
guess that’s something I really need to improve on. Physically, I’m still not
as bad, I will adapt after a while (although the shower water is really cold I
still haven’t completely get used to it yet).
Anyway I talked to
this Czech Republic girl called Yana just now. She’s really someone interesting
and I think we are quite similar in certain ways. A pity that she’s flying back
tomorrow so I won’t get to see her much. She doesn’t like to party, which is
really rare among westerners. I guess Westerners are really confident of
themselves, which gives off the feeling of superiority which they don’t really
mean to. They are confident of whatever they are doing and the culture that
they have, and they won’t exactly feel awkward because they would just be who
they are, and people would sort of understand that as Westerners’ behavior. I
realized that the Westerners in the house just change in the room, and I think
I saw someone who wasn’t even wearing her underwear and changing in her room
(I’m hoping that I saw wrongly because I wasn’t sure since I quickly look
away). And although I’m not comfortable with doing that, but at least I could
understand it as a ‘westerners’ behavior. I guess the many western shows and
movies that we consume on the media really played a big part. One of the ntu
interns told me that he was still feeling ok when he went to US to work during
the holidays since he watched lots of American shows.
Yana mentioned that
the difference between African culture and the Europeans’ would be much greater
than the difference between Asian culture. I don’t fully agree with that, at
least from Singapore’s pov. I’m guessing that she felt this way because Asia
countries are pretty underdeveloped, while Western countries are already
developed. But then Singapore is a really developed country and I am also used
to everything being organized efficiently and quickly. So when I’m here and
realize how much people slack during their work hanging around doing nothing
(it’s not exactly their fault because that’s just the way they live, they don’t
purposely mean to ‘slack’ in the same meaning as how we perceive this negative
word.), I’m also not used to it.
I kept thinking these
few days why Uganda remains so under developed. Is it because their pace of
living? It’s so slow that little work is being done so they can’t improve. Now
I can appreciate why Singapore government keeps talking about increasing
productivity and efficiency. Both in terms of the people and also the
infrastructure. The internet speed in the office is so slow that they can spend
so much time just trying to send a few emails. This would waste many hours.
Imagine the number of emails that typical Singapore white collar have to look
through everyday. If we are using the speed of Uganda’s internet, we would spend
the whole day doing nothing but waiting for emails to load.
When I’m here I start
to appreciate even more of what Singapore government has done. Haha I sound so
propaganda-ish but it’s true. I would rather the government control more things
rather than just throw us aside and not care about us. Yana told me that that’s
the case of what’s happening in Uganda. Besides being corrupt, the government
don’t really seem to care about their people and just leave them there doing
nothing. Ok maybe not exactly nothing at all, I need to find out more myself
before making conclusions. I realized that the NGOs here don’t really get
support from anyone, so they really have to survive themselves.
According to Yana they
seem to rely a lot on the Westerners who are here to help and want them to give
money. Which really shouldn’t be the case because they should have the spirit
to fight for these themselves instead of relying on others. Because reliance
would not bring them far. Hmm maybe that’s what we should be working towards. I
was just thinking a while ago why we are spending so much money to come here,
when these money can be donated straight to the people. Imagine the amount of
food and clothes that I can buy for these children with my airticket costs. But
then again, just relying on money will not bring them far because it doesn’t
solve the root problem. What they need is the skill and the structure of the
organization so that it can run by itself? I just recalled how we were studying
about Singapore politics, and the question of whether the system or the people
is more important keeps popping out. But well in Singapore at least we have a
choice because both system and people are still not so bad, but for them since
the people have many problems due to their habit and culture, the least that we
can do is to create a system.
There’s actually lots
of sociology in everything. I saw this really smart 11 years old boy when I was
teaching the kids a little bit today. He learns things really fast! I was
thinking, if he lives in singpaore or some other more developed country, he
would really become successful with the IQ that he has. But because of social circumstances,
this EQ is not able to be fully brought out. Such a pity really… Anyone wants
to sponsor these kids for school? I would if I’m more financially capable… the
very general biological thing in people works in the same way for everyone, but
it’s the social circumstances that differentiates these universal
characteristics. That’s why there’s so many differences although we are all of
the same human race.
When I’m here I
realized that there’s actually a lot of categorization between
Europeans/Westerners and Asians. The Westerners couldn’t differentiate between
China and Japan. And the Europeans had different accents which I would always
just classify them as the angmoh accent. There’s a Kenya and Uganda accent
which outsiders won’t understand, just like how outsiders won’t be able to
differentiate Singapore and Malaysian accent although it’s damn obvious for us.
______________________________________________________________________________
It's day 9 already, and I'm starting to get used to the environment so much that I've become so slow and have no time to even read and write diary although I'm sure there's plenty of time if I squeeze them out and make use of it.But I have nice conversations with people, and I guess that's even better since it's a good opportunity to do so since I'm here meeting so many different people.
Last night, I spent 1 hour plus talking to 2 ugandan guys about culture and christianity. They are really faithful catholics, and they shared with me about their religion. Most of the Ugandans are strong Christians. And I shared a little with them about Nichiren Buddhism too. Today my roommate Annouk just talked to me about religion too, and she really don't like it that the different religions are fighting against each other. I told her about my buddhism, and she said she really like how we believe in ourselves and our own potential rather than an external being, and she's interested to read more about buddhism! I really like how people here are open minded to talk about differences and accept them. Check also said that when you're overseas, you just have to be open and accept different things.
There's much more, but I think I will write out more another time. Since I have internet now I should concentrate and do on my work! Need to google and find organisations that we can work with. Maybe I should write my diaries more on the computer so I can blog and share with everyone else because I think this experience shouldn't just be a personal one, I want to experience it for others too and share with everyone what I learnt! That way it can benefit more people, and people will also know what's happening over here in uganda! (:
Can I fly over the rainbow like the bluebirds?
5/29/2012 08:55:00 PM
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Just came back from a really good dialogue with renna and wenqing our 2 sd vice chiefs. I'm really so inspired by what they say I have to write it down before I forget!
The interaction between the 2 of them really feels so heartwarming, because they just can't stop talking or making fun of each other, and also with their nicknames for each other. And it's not just the 2 of them, but also between all the sd chiefs. They definitely do lots when they are serious, but when they are not in serious mode, they are so funny!! Which probably explains why they can put up performances that made us laughed until we cried. I really feel very happy for them that they are in this 'chiefs' team together, because the bond that they share are really so tight.
And it reminds me of zhiwei. Although we aren't the most efficient team together, and there's also lots of things that we failed to do well as a zhiwei, the bonds that we share is something really precious. As famously said by miss hh, 'more than working partners'.
Anyway, renna told me that it's important that there's this close sense of comradeship when working together in ssa. And I realized that's something that I have yet to fully experience in my soka life so far. I've definitely forged close bonds with soka friends individually, but I have yet to work with a team for something together with such tight-knitted bonds. Haha when I say work, I mean doing serious work like planning and organising activities and events. That's the thing that is lacking in 4 divison yongsha, and sometimes I wonder if it can even be overcome. There's an obvious generation gap and we talk about different things. How to forge close ties between people who are based on different backgrounds in different time periods?
I think the underlying thing is care and concern. Which is why some siblings who have quite big age difference, are still very close. Everytime I would ask them the same question, do you all feel the generation gap? And they would just tell me no. Maybe this love care and concern transcends family ties...
There's so much stuff that's actually quite obvious, but you just need someone to say something to point that out to realize and look from a different perspective.
I guess writing has its different purposes for everyone. For ys, she finds satisfaction in articulating thoughts into words completely; for eve, she believes that words can never fully express her feelings; for me, it's to record down my events and thoughts and to think deeper while I type. And yet, my language foundation is so bad that I have no time to slowly think of how to write beautifully because if I were to do so, my thoughts would just be gone. Thus very sadly, often when I blog I have to write in such a simple language because that's just the crude standard of language that my brain feeds me with before refining.
Wenqing told me that I can make it a habit to write maybe weekly, as if I'm writing my own column haha. (and we found out we like the same column omg I never imagined I will find someone who also like zaobao zhoukan and the 吴淡如 column!!) Good idea leh! Force myself to write a quality piece every week with refined language haha. Force sounds negative, but I guess I don't mean it in that sense. I know I will enjoy it when I can express what I want, but it's the process of slowly refining my language that is painful, because I have no deep trove of vocabulary to dig from in the first place.. ):
Wenqing also shared with me her YEP experiences with SSA. They achieved so much that I'm really surprised that they did all that within 2 weeks only. Somehow, for my past 2 ocip trips, it didn't felt value creating enough. The trips were more for like the Singapore students who went, for us to 'broaden' our perspectives, and not to really go all out to help the people there. I guess it's a mentality that us Singaporeans students have? Or maybe it's how all these ocip are structured and organized. Or maybe it's both ways la.
Their YEP team was so impressive that the principal of the school wanted them to help out in more areas. So the team would really think hard every night on what else they can contribute, or how else they can better teach the students there. They even organised sports day and some other events for them, within the 2 short weeks they were there! And in return, the students really like them and treated them with so much respect!
Her sharing was so encouraging and timely, right before I embark on mine. I know this Uganda trip will really be something different, not just because it's in a totally different African culture, but also of the nature of how this internship is organized. I will be working with people from all over the world, and don't have fellow friends whom I can easily fall back on. So I'm really pushed to step out of my comfort zone and interact with all these people. After all it's through all these exchanges and dialogues between different cultures where this perceived 'noble' ideal of peace can slowly be achieved. And that's the reason why I join aiesec in the first place! I must keep reminding myself on that! I cannot just easily shut myself from the rest just because I don't like to drink or smoke or party. There's definitely more that I can do, and I must have the wisdom to know how to do so!
I must also take lots of initiative, and really think hard on what I can do to contribute to the people there. This trip is not going to only be about my learning experiences, it's also about the people there. I've emailed a Holland girl who's already working there, she told me their pace of living is really slow, and they would appreciate the help and ideas that we can offer. This internship gives me lots of flexibility, which is good because I can then also maximize my contributions to maximize their benefits. There's lots of room as to what I can do. Haha the more I think about it the more excited I am!
Anyway, wenqing asked me just now what is my dream. And suddenly I was so dumbfounded I couldn't answer her straight away. Although I'm someone who keep talking about dreams and how important they are and how it is possible to achieve them, I realized I don't have this big dream. Yes, I do have my small dreams, but there's a lack of this greater one probably? Or is that my mission? Or must we even need this greater, big dream? Actually I was more dumbfounded by the fact that I always talk so much about dreams and never realized I don't have a big one, rather than the fact that I don't have a big dream. In the end I told her about my 'dream' to be a really good reporter who can make a difference in society. I don't know if that's considered to be a dream or a goal.
Dream, goal, mission. They are all similar in idea, but are they the same? Maybe it's time for me to ponder deeper about all these big terms and find a clearer direction. After all, I always like to talk about these great ideals haha. But I talk about them and believe in them because I know that it's possible. They are not the 'ideal situation' which is impossible to attain in science and also social sciences. They are big ideas and notions that require people to have a big heart and big conviction to achieve it. It's how far you want to set yourself out. 心有多大，舞台就有多大。The original meaning of this advertisement slogan doesn't really fit what I'm trying to convey, but it still capture the essence of it from another perspective of this 舞台 that we are talking about. 也许，是一种野心？或是一种恒心？
Sigh I'm in a pondering mood now but I have to stop because it's late alr )))): Need to rest well to hopefully (quite difficult) improve my panda eyes and also build up my immune system before I fly to uganda!
Can I fly over the rainbow like the bluebirds?
5/16/2012 01:28:00 AM
Monday, May 14, 2012
Have been really affected and bothered by a piece of news recently. A sudden unexpected death of a schoolmate.
Was smsing yishun asking when he's free to celebrate zhiyi's birthday, then he replied and added that he was rushing down to the hospital after getting news that ms got into a car accident and heart stopped for 40min. I was out walking around with debbie, and this sms shocked me because it sounded quite serious. I couldn't push it off my mind and was worrying about it even when we were walking around the mall. Then when I was smsing hh zy about this news, notification of yishun's sms popped up with this 3 words "He passed away". Never had such a short sms had such a big impact on me, I was damn stunned and didn't know how to react I called hh immediately.
Hh said something which struck me. While she was busy in her own world preparing for the exams, the world outside still revolves and such things still happen. Reality is cruel in that it waits for no one. It has no tinge of emotions. It just complete what it is supposed to do. Sometimes we are so absorbed with our own minute problems that we feel like the whole world has crashed and that there's no meaning in life and such. But outside the tiny world of ours, many more things are happening simultaneously. Things that are more important, but as humans we do not learn to appreciate until something tragic has to happen.
突然的死亡总是最悲惨、最痛苦，因为有很多事情已经计划好要完成，很多感情都还没机会表达。而最终，人走了，却留下了一生的遗憾。
生和死之间的距离是最遥远，却也是最容易达到的距离。活着的人再怎么想见一见已过世的人，却不可能这么做。他们之间的距离，才是世界上最遥远的距离，是永远无法拉近的。然而，要到达死亡那一段却又是那么的容易。只需时间的那一瞬间，或意念的那一瞬间，而且是没有办法回去的不归路。
人的身体就摆在你面前，但魂已经在另一个世界了。瞻仰往生者面容时，总会感到特别辛酸。明明他的身体就在你面前，但是却无法再和往常一样，开口说话、大声大笑。一切好像非常不真实，因为就在不久之前，他还是那个活生生的人。但眼前所看到的，却是一个完全不动，没有任何生命痕迹的他，就好像是个蜡人。再加上过世的人都会先被化妆，再让亲朋戚友看最后一面，所以面孔已经不像印象中的那个他。双眼看着眼前的他时，脑海里却看到了生前的一幕幕开心画面和动作。这两个画面非常不搭，却是必须接受的残酷现实。
Ms, you have left, but your short 20 years was definitely not wasted. Look at the what you had left in the hearts of many. Look at how you have taught and reminded all of us to not take things for granted. You're so great that even as you leave, you left behind a trail of life lessons for us. For your family and friends, and also people who don't know you directly.
I've even decided to pen down a letter to my mum for the very first time on Mother's Day, because I don't want to procrastinate and leave it until the 'next' year. I learnt to do things I want NOW rather than waiting for that chance that might never come. 与其后悔不做，不如做了再后悔。Thank you ms for giving me this timely reminder.
And for jq and his family and other friends, please stay strong always to pull through this difficult period!
Can I fly over the rainbow like the bluebirds?
5/14/2012 12:30:00 AM
Friday, May 04, 2012
I feel like I'm living! Yes simple things like that make me happy and satisfied (:
Went to watch titanic 3d yesterday with evelyn, we caught the last day of screening in Singapore. Somehow I always catch last minute shows lol, last show in sinema and last seat when we watched jane eyre.
Anyway titanic has a very special effect on me. This morning when I was writing the ssa times article, my mind just floated away to replay the scenes for about 10min, and I didn't even consciously realize that I'm doing so until I suddenly saw my laptop and realized that I was sitting there to do work and not to daydream lol. It happened quite a few times since last night. Leonardo's mesmerizing blue eyes, the beautiful and romantic scenes, the story... they all just replayed again and again and I don't know why it did...
While I was watching, as someone who has learnt about script and some techniques, I kept distracting myself with why a certain line is being put in, and how I think leonardo didn't really act well (because his character wasn't defined enough, I feel like his fear moments weren't really brought across well, the way he speak and behave seem too calm to be realistic), and how some parts of the plot was quite cliche and unrealistic? Haha yishun was right, after doing drama it's very easy to become critical when watching a show, so it doesnt make the experience as nice.. ):
But anyway, despite all these critical thoughts I had, somehow it just had a strong impact on me. I guess it's the storyline that attracted me. And how strong their love for each other is. When I walked out of the cinema, I suddenly realized that I've been using too much of my brain than my heart recently. Sometimes maybe there's no need to be so rational. Feelings from the heart are very strong too, what you get from a heart decision is much more satisfying and 刻骨民心 that a brain decision. How Rose's decision to follow her heart and decided to follow Jack in the end. (Though she left her mum along in the end, I find it sad that movies always depict romantic love as more important than family love) And the decision turned out to imprint the best memory in her life. It's a good reminder for myself. Rational thoughts are definitely important, but what ultimately is as important, or maybe even more important, is what your heart tells you.
I think the most beautiful part of their love is that their love brought out a different side of them. Someone told me this before: If you like someone, it's because you like yourself when you are with that person because it allows you to be yourself without restrictions. How love changes a person, Jack becoming a more mature person rather than the 吊儿郎当 boy. And of course how Rose was freed from the outer shell that she was stuck in.
The scene of how Rose let go of Jack's hand (already frozen to death) into the deep ocean that knows no boundaries kept replaying in my head. She's letting go of someone she loved, and also any evidence of the wonderful times they had. Except for the memories of course. I teared not at the heartbreaking parts, but when the elderly Rose said, Women's hearts are filled with lots of secrets. It actually doesnt really apply to me because I basically say everything out, but there's a lot of depth, weight and emotions and all behind this simple line. It's what a women who has went through so much, but yet so so strong to just keep it within themselves will say. It's really not easy that the most important part of your life has to be kept, or chosen to be kept just to yourself, and it must have really needed lots of courage and a strong character to do so. And it is also evidence that 我真正活过了。Maybe not everything has to be shared to be evidence that it happened, memories are most beautiful when you know that it just belongs to you and the other person. 回忆是两个人之间最美的秘密。
But such dramatic love only happens to some lucky people, why and who decides what kind of love one will receive? Luck? Following your heart to not miss it? Worked hard for?
I guess Titanic opened up many hearts, which was why it remains a classic. Even the treasure hunter felt that he hasn't understood titanic at all despite working on it for 3 years, because he havent felt the weight of the feelings that the titanic tragedy brings. The movie reminded people that this tragedy is not just a 2-dimension news filled with numbers. There's many real feelings behind it, and should not be sank down together with the ship.
Of course the movie is not just about romance. It talks about heavier issue like class difference and death. Death is presented right in front of you when you know that the next moment you're going to be dead. I am awed by the courage and calmness of the string quartet and the pastor and the mother who is singing to her 2 kids. What gives them the motivation to stay strong in the face of death, while others panic and do all sorts of immoral things just to stay alive?
Death has always been a sensitive topic for me. The first time I watched titanic I was only 6-7 years old, I couldn't really remember the scenes I watched, but what struck me heavily was how many many people died, there were thousands of them and it was a huge, unimaginable number for the innocent mind of a 7 year old. My family were trying to console me that it's only a movie, but I knew that Titanic was a real incident and the deaths were real. I ended up thinking about the deaths in the movie for days and I couldn't get my mind off it that my maid had to try all sorts of ways to distract me from thinking about it, even playing badminton with me when she was fasting. It was really so so scary for me that I feel a huge sense of fear whenever I think of it then. I don't understand how a young kid could think so much about death, but it probably explains why I'm extremely afraid of death the whole of my life.
生命非常脆弱。It doesn't matter what's your status, or what you're doing the previous moment. It suddenly just attacks and you have no way out. I suddenly recalled the first dead body I saw when I was on 意外班 during internship. The dead driver was just sitting in his lorry and time just froze for him. Imagine the previous moment before his lorry lost control, he was still a living, breathing person. The next moment life is taken away from him. Imagine the grief of his loved ones. How sudden it hits. My friend told me the other day how her brother suddenly died in a car accident overseas. I can't imagine the pain and shock when she received the call.
I always thought death is scary because it meant you can't feel anything anymore. Not even blackness. You don't even have conscious. Then I read this line when I was reading 城说 tonight. “晚上睡觉，脑子里黑漆漆、空荡的什么也没有。” It suddenly struck me that it actually is the same for sleeping when you have no dreams. Besides when you dream, you aren't aware that you are sleeping, because there's nothing in your brain during that period of time. Similar feeling, but sleeping is not scary because we assume that next day we are going to wake up and life goes on per normal. Now I can better understand when people say that, when you wake up every morning, you should be thankful that you are alive for another day. It's something taken for granted. But even after realizing this and studying the Life and Death gosho, although I can better see death in a less scary light, I'm still very afraid of death...><
Ok enough about heavy issues. Shall talk about happy stuff! I finally gave some time to myself tonight, when I stayed in Mos Burger and sat down to read 城说剧本。I like the creative scripts that were written, how it's unlikely to be possible in reality, yet bring out issues that are very close to our daily lives. How they could write a story just inside a toilet. How a 荒谬tribal story could reflect workings of democracy. And once again I hope for the chance to be able to do all these again, being good enough to write a good script. Drama never fails to attract me, It is not just a story, but a fun story because drama can play with different elements like space and time and lights. How stories can be told in a non-linear way, where many layers and dimensions are added.
And while I was reading my book, I was also paying attention to the people sitting next to my table. First came 2 youths around my age. They were speaking in Chinese, but mixing in a few sentences of English in between. I forgot what they said, but I just felt what they talked about were really different from what I talk with my friends. Actually that's how I feel most of the time, when I hear what other teenagers talk about. But I'm glad for the dialogues that I have with my friends, because I find it really meaningful (:
Then next came 3 people aged 20+. There was a girl wearing formal suit, and another girl and a guy. At first I was thinking they were like ex-uni friends who met up to catch up. Then I realized that 2 of them felt like a couple and not just normal friends. So I concluded maybe it was a couple and their good friend, which didn't feel like because of what they were talking about, like the other girl sharing her cheerleading experience. But I couldn't figure out their relationship plus I was reading chengshuo so I just didn't bother too much. Suddenly, when they cleared their trays, the girl in formal suit took out folders and papers. Then tada, mystery revealed, she's an insurance agent.
It was interesting to listen to their conversation. Ok I know it's not very polite to eavesdrop, but the fact that I don't know them and probably will never meet them again in my life, I felt it wasn't that bad la because I also can't do anything with the information I heard, maybe except learning things that would be good for me. I realized that the insurance agent is really good at talking and making small talk over dinner before that. I don't know for sure, but I don't think they are personal friends, maybe friend's friend. It really is a skill to talk and make people feel comfortable with you.
Then I realized what irregular working hours that insurance agents can have. She was meeting them when they were off from their work, and also offered to go to their house during the weekends to let his family sign some documents. And all these timings are the best times to meet your family and friends, but yet you have to dedicate to working. I wonder if these insurance agents feel passionate about their job to make such sacrifices, or if they have no choice. I know the latter answer is a more obvious option, but then how would you pull through if you really hate it? Why this job and not other jobs?
Thereafter I suddenly consciously remembered that my father is an insurance agent too! And that he also went through all these. And it dawned upon me that I never knew why my dad took up this job, and how he felt about it. I realized I know very little about my dad. Is it because he is not willing to share, or that I'm not asking? What happens when he does his job? Sitting beside an insurance agent tonight and listening to their conversation intrigues me, when all along my dad has been doing it for years, and I never had a chance to let his experiences intrigued me. Something is wrong isn't it?
Ok enough blogging for one day. I love the therapeutic feeling that blogging has on me (:
Can I fly over the rainbow like the bluebirds?
5/04/2012 12:38:00 AM
Tuesday, May 01, 2012
Haven't feel such simple happiness and satisfaction and inspiration for some time. Today is awesome <3
The feeling of being so engrossed in a dialogue is wonderful, your whole soul is attracted to it like you're part of what the person is telling you. Really cherish these deep hth dialogues that brings in lots of emotions and thoughts than just simple string of words. A good dialogue will really make me think about it even after we have parted, and are worth being mentioned and shared with other friends in my other dialogues. Love these dialogues and love these friends man <3
Finally had a proper face to face conversation with huiting after she's back! And I really feel so touched and inspired by her that I feel so happy for her and lots of strong emotions I felt like tearing! She showed from her experiences that everything happens for a reason, how she decided to stay on in navy, how she only got offered a place this year, how she got the lower tier scholarship.
And suddenly I was reminded of that faithful morning at Hatched with Evelyn and Yuensin. Evelyn was faced with making a really major decision that will change her life, at the crossroads where she would have to decide which path to take. And now she's living on the path she had chosen, life seems to go on normally and how its supposed to. But sometimes I've forgotten how she had to make that big decision to be standing at where she is now. So when I look back and think of all these, I feel really amazed at how significant each moment is, and how wonderful life is to be written in a really unique way.
Just like huiting. So many series of events had happened, but ultimately it still brought her to where she wants. It's really all so mystical and amazing. I sense the strong spirit in her and feel so inspired by her.
I really love and treasure the precious and beautiful friendship that we share. So pure, simple yet strong. I felt like tearing also because I feel really grateful to be able to meet you all.
Too much overwhelming feelings to be expressed into words. Today really is a beautiful day.
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Was thinking about it just now and realized how contradicting my character is. I'm still in the soul-searching stage haha, my character hasn't stabled yet. After exams ended, I've been busy all the way. Lunch with ahma aunt and mum, writing june project script, watching huangcheng, stayover at wm's, cycling at ecp, dialogue with minister, write script, out with eliza, find pri sch friends, research for uganda, exercise with pri sch friends, peace proposal study, having dialogues, dinner with friends, and finally taking some time to blog now, before I have to start work on my article on the dialogue with minister and sd kenshu and testimonial!:o It's really been a fruitful 4 days since my exams ended, each moment always having something to do. I feel really happy to have done so much and created so much value within a short period of time. When we were on the bus to ecp, I was shocked that it was only less than 24 hours since I regained my freedom, because I seem to have done so many things already!
But while I'm feeling happy about my fruitful life, part of me also yearned to have some time for myself to just do whatever I want slowly at my own pace. To read, to listen to songs, to play the piano, to write etc. Until now I still have no idea if I prefer to be outgoing or to be more inwards towards my self. I miss my dec holidays, because at the start of the holidays I had quite a lot of time to myself, so I can just sit on the sofa and read (though I get tired of it sometimes oops haha), or go online watch those meaningful and thought-provoking movies.
This summer holidays is going to be quite crazy and occupied for me. 6 weeks at Uganda and another few more weeks at SPH internship, while in between squeezing time to meet friends and leave some for myself.
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I also had this short but really great dialogue with Reena just now after the meeting. We were talking about Singapore's state and citizen. And I really agree with what she said, it's really well-placed thoughts that I also feel for, but didnt quite put it in such a clear way because I'm always easily swayed with different viewpoints. She said that the education system trains us to be critical and also to work efficiently, so because of that we view the government critically also, which people usually equate that to criticizing. She feels really heartbroken when she saw how the people are so easily swayed by emotions. There needs to be more empathy on both sides, and it should be a two way interaction than just one sided communication.
Which makes me think how difficult it is to accept differences. I personally feel that too many ideas are tried to be forced on the listener by the speaker. And it happens generally to many dialogues. It's really a skill to be able to accept and respect these differences.
Suddenly think of huangcheng haha, how I used to really hope that juniors can accept our feedback so the ju can be improved. But sometimes that's not the most important, but to respect those who are making the decisions. After all, it's their batch's huangcheng and we don't really have a say in it. But there's always a need to balance between respecting viewpoints, and to 'correct' a 'wrong' viewpoint. Which then brings the question of what's wrong and who is the one who has the authority to exert what's correct. (Oh my it's what I learn for my soci media mod!) Who says that religion extremism is wrong? Do we choose to respect their viewpoints, or cross the line to say that it is wrong and there is no room for respect of such viewpoints?
And there's also a limit as to how much you can accept differences, before conflict starts to happen. Tolerance and understanding is different. By being tolerant, I don't accept your views but I choose to not say much about it. But when real problems arise where we need to directly face these differences together, are we capable to continue to tahan each other views and prevent these problems from clashing to create even greater ones? Eg: Multiracial, multireligion, optimism vs pessimism, pragmatic vs ideal.. Understanding is another level which I don't exactly know yet how it is like. Maybe like you understand where and how these views come about, and you are able to let it come to terms with your own thoughts. But would that change too much of your own beliefs in the first place? What are dialogues really for?
Sensei says that we should look beyond our differences to look at our similarities. I don't disagree with that, but at critical moments are we able to do that too? Well I guess there's no answers, and answers also differ in different contexts anyway. Haha shall continue living and see what answers my life and experiences give me!
Can I fly over the rainbow like the bluebirds?
5/01/2012 11:40:00 PM
Friday, March 09, 2012
Just went for a talk about ge 2011 and Singapore politics. They mentioned the huge role and hope places on educated youths, and I wonder if we will be able to live up to our expectations.
I will always be filled with awe how so many people are able to think and ask such intelligent questions. I thought how with such people, Singapore has hope of moving from materialism toore values-centric. But that thought only lasted for a while, sadly, because I realized all these people are mostly from Fass, and we are trained and forced to think critically. But what about non-arts students in spore? Do majority also question about such matters? And more importantly, what about those who are not in university where it's a crucial platform to train critical knowledge and widen horizons?
This is super elitist, but sometimes when I'm on public transport and overheard other teenagers, people stereotyped to be ahbengs ahlians nerds etc and their conversations, I can't help but feel sad about what they think and do in life. Is it really just about computer games and some 没有营养的话题? I know I'm in no decision to judge what's right and wrong conversation, but I really feel disappointed, but at the same time I realize how important education an family backgrounds are, which links to all the inequalities concepts that I'm learning. Sometimes I'm too obsessed with studying on paper, I tend to forget to link it with things I see in real life.
There are so many factors of inequalities: class, power, status, cultural capital, social networks, family backgrounds, gender, race etc. Just by the vast number of factors you know that it's unlikely to have an equal society. But what about giving opportunities to resources? Although all these opportunities might not be given out equally, but at least there's something there for a chance and hope for improvement.
But that's just by my standards. What about people who hate studying or don't want to be so 'intellectual'? Who are we to say that following the footsteps of successful people will bring them happiness?
I used to be really proud and approving of the concept of meritocracy. But now that I know it's just an ideology to encourage people to work hard and give us the thought that we would one day succeed, I feel so disillusioned and don't know what to believe in anymore. Something simple and straightforward might be planted there artificially to influence you in someday to achieve someone's ulterior motive. When I find myself agreeing with what the govt says, I suspect if ive been brainwashed by their hidden ruling ideology through my younger years. Especially when people around me all outright disagree with what the govt says, which happened during tutorial. Or maybe I'm just too naive and shallow and not taking into consideration many hidden problems that need to dug out with critical eyes.
I need to develop the skill of looking straight into the core of any issue, thinking and doing things that matter. I went for my first solo uni consult just now, and I felt proud of myself that I have improved from just reading notes to putting them together and thinking about it from a bigger picture. I think that's what really is important. But come to think of it, am I just asking questions because I want to do well in my exams, or I'm asking because I feel for it and I really want to? The speaker mentioned how she hope students do not just copy notes and study for exams, but critically think. That's what I'm probably guilty of and I need to set my priorities right again. Education is not an end by itself, but a means to an ends, especially taking social sciences subjects. Theoretical is not enough, you have to learn how to link it with real society.
sensei says uni education is for people who do not have a chance to receive education. maybe that's the key! Since there's always inequalities and not everyone can receive proper education, what we can do is to talk and reach out to them in different ways. After all, values and some simple conceptual links can already make a big difference. But hmm chicken egg question again, how to get people interested to learn like read books and newspapers in the first place. In gakkai, not everyone receives high education, but most people still develop critical thinking about life and that's really precious. Religion is the opium of the masses? (I forgot why did marx said that in the first place ah?) Haha I don't think so!
Can I fly over the rainbow like the bluebirds?
3/09/2012 08:21:00 PM
Sunday, March 04, 2012
Botanic gardens made my day(: went to syc for wings meeting, only o realize that it's at tsc instead. Felt really frustrated cos like went there for nothing, and I have to miss wings meeting once again when I haven't even been there a single time. Sigh so many miscommunications. Suddenly thought of how friends as a community is impt in a lot of the things that you so. Friends to look out for each other and help out.
Anyway one short trip down to botanic gardens and I observed and thought of many minute matters, and so many are related to sociology! The worker who was picking up rubbish at the gardens was probably from Bangladesh or India, and right beside him was a group of Indian young ladies. Both maybe from the same country out to a foreign land to make a living, and their lives are so vastly different. There's so much inequalities out there but I just feel exasperated that I can't do anything.
When I was looking at the kids feeding bread to the pigeons, I was suddenly reminded of the Sundays outings that my family used to have when we were still young. We like to go to nature scenic places, which is a great contrast to my Sundays now, either outside some mall or having meetings or at home studying..>< I miss those days when weekends were really weekends, but I guess that feeling will be more of a luxury in the future. But oh wells I must fight for my breaks!! Really don't like how our society is becoming so fast pace, but is that a lesser evil than if society doesn't develop so fast and that we will be enjoying a lower standard of living? I really wonder how those countries like Switzerland and Denmark etc can achieve balance (according to those rankings), makes me curious I might seriously consider applying to the uni there for sep!(:
Can't wait for my chance at studying overseas! To break my assumptions and not take things for granted, because in a different society the most normal thing to you might not be normal to others.
Sundays really feel so different. The neighborhood is so much quieter.
Realizing the importance of taking breaks now to recharge yourself. Now I shall study very efficiently after taking that nice little break at the gardens!(:
Can I fly over the rainbow like the bluebirds?
3/04/2012 03:44:00 PM
Saturday, March 03, 2012
On my way home now from post Chingay celebration, and I realize theres a lot going on this one month that I forgot or haven't had the time to properly reflect. It would be a waste if I didn't because I can't maximize on the lessons learnt through this wonderful journey.
On the last day of Chingay, I actually told meijun that I haven't really gain much from Chingay. But I was really wrong, and it's wonderful how my lessons learnt kicked in when Chingay ended and I only realize it then.
I used to be quite awkward with Asd, feeling a bit left out, cos everyone's so close to everyone, and I felt I was out of that bonded clique. The feeling of comradeship wasn't really there, and I was quite disappointed. The irony is that I only get closer to all these people only when I graduate haha. And Chingay played a really big part! How we always meet up after Chingay to have supper or go home tgt, and we saw each other once to twice a week. Through all these little time added uo tgt, bonds between all these wonderful people grew. Ok actually Nussd also helped me forge closer bonds to the ex-Asd people like meijun gena yinyee haha!
If there's one thing I gain from this Chingay, it's about the fighting and struggling spirit that each of us have, to determine to achieve victory in all areas despite many commitments and challenges. Especially after tonight celeb, I got to see how the chairperson group put in so much effort, chief trainer struggled and many more people. To make Chingay a success, each of us have to struggle and this success is not easy. Now I can better understand why there are always these big scale items Soka is involve in--- to get everyone have a chance to grow in their life, through this struggling of performing and studies/work.
Teck Lih and Teck wee from my district really encouraged me and a lot other people. They used to be inactive and very shy and quiet, but Chingay totally transformed them into a better person. I'm really grateful that Chingay gave them a chance to do so!(:
And for me, Chingay gave me the chance to be inspired by all the wonderful people around me. It showed me how with courage and determination, we are able to expand our life so much that we van achieve the most when we are the most busy. When I think back, I think I've put way too much emphasis on studies and worrying too much about it. It was true that I needed more time on my studies since I was quite weak, but this can still be achieved if I studied smartly and efficiently. Which other commitment and activities can pressure me to do so by expanding my life. So with the same amount of time I can learn much more! That's why when my time are filled with more non academic things, I don't panic as much now that I have no time to study. (or maybe this sem is relatively light for me). I found my courage in a lot of things and repositioned my attitude. So this sem my life has been relatively happier!(:
My Chingay experience also taught me about how to handle relationship matters. And not to repeat the same mistakes last year, but facing it with greater maturity and thought.
And yes! Face my phobia of water entering into my eyes haha!:p
Can I fly over the rainbow like the bluebirds?
3/03/2012 10:53:00 PM
Wah exciting sia I haven't blog for such a long time, especially at night when everyone's in bed already :D and huiting just whatsapp me lol!
Anyway felt really disillusioned about huangcheng tonight, after talking about our memories 2 years back. Apparently, my memories are scaringly selective, it's worse than I imagined ): When we talked about the not so happy moments, I realized that they are all hidden at the back of my mind, and when huangcheng comes into my mind, these bad memories don't appear. It's really worrying you know..):
And suddenly I remember the many problems that all of us faced, and unhappy moments which I don't want them to be brought up. Then I worry a bit for alumni huangcheng production. But I know I'll definitely join in, even though there would be many problems again. Because I know it's another of those rare chances, especially when you can observe and learn from the really zai seniors.
I need to learn how to observe better. Not just others, but also myself. There's so much things that went unnoticed beneath my eyes, and this can't be so if Im going to be a good leader or journalists in the future.
Maybe I should rethink what huangcheng is to me, and what huangcheng brings to me...
Can I fly over the rainbow like the bluebirds?
3/03/2012 01:46:00 AM
